I am not sure
who the author of this is. It was sent to me by a friend. It had me in stitches and so I thought it was
worth sharing. Any overly sensitive
readers from the US who have no sense of humour should not read any further …
A MESSAGE FROM HER
MAJESTY THE QUEEN
To the citizens
of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your
failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime
Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need
for further elections.
Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the
transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
1. The
letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and
‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to
spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will
be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look
up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using
the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and
‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is
no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The
Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July
4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You
will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting
grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore,
you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
6. All
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on
the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The
former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You
will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with
catsup but with vinegar.
9. The
cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest
sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part
of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk
of further confusion.
10. Hollywood
will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood
will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching
Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You
will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further,
you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called
the World Series for a game, which is not played outside of America. Since only
2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been
driving us mad.
14. An
internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will
be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to
1776).
15. Daily
Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with
cream) when in season.
______________________
Absolutely brilliant
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